Some time or other, if you haven't already, you're going to feel the stinging bewilderment and frustration of being cut off from someone important to you, in your family, among your friends or colleagues.
Maybe you made the cut, maybe the other person or people did. Whichever way it happened, it hurts. It's painful. And pretty much impossible to ignore, because to be cut off means there was some pattern of contact and or communication prior to the breach. There may have been unkind or careless words said or written as things fell apart. Someone may have said accusatory always or never.
Sometimes there is relief in the mix, and whether this eventually becomes the overall feeling or the cut off solidifies so that there is no way back, or you wish a way back but do not know how to reconnect, or you are unwilling to reach out, there are ways to understand and create more comfort or more courage .
Hard feelings toward the other is not the only reason for cut offs. It can be for the pathos or sadness that proximity engenders. It can be because of forgetfulness, distance, time, lack of social skills, fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, fear of overtures being rebuffed. You could call those hard feelings toward oneself. Harriet Lerner in her book The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide To Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships (First Edition Harper and Row, January 1989) traverses all of that and more. She says 'We must be willing to let go of old patterns and beliefs that no longer serve us, in order to create deeper connection.' This is a process that can be brought to Systemic/Family Constellations to work with. Lerner may be seen to be speaking of couples, butnot only, as the problems and the solutions apply to all kind sof relationships, and they all have their roots in your childhood, at home with your parent(s) or caregiver(s).
This winter I am offering two Saturday Constellation workshop circles, in Napier, Aotearoa-New Zealand, on 13 July, and 17 August. Book here to my website www.manawafamilyconstellations.com to book other workshops and private sessions online or in person.
'True intimacy requires vulnerability and the
courage to let down our guards.' Harriet Lerner
Vulnerability is discretely, privately gaining followers and likes against the efluvium of curated, decorated and made up perfectionism that's flogged on social media and elsewhere. The example set by Dr Gabor Mate, the first person who comes to mind as someone who openly tells us of his imperfections, the mistakes he still makes, and the roots of his own fragility, even as we look straight into his own profound insights and compassionate inquiries with him. He frankly and unsentimentally tells of his recent sulks with Rae, his wife; his workaholism that harmed his family life etc. And also that he was doing his best against the background of his early life trauma. We can all do that...eventually. Seriously, it's worth a go.
If you're ready, come and be vulnerable in a safe space, where all are welcome, and deep therapy is made by the intentions and energy of the people present. Let go of fear, address your fear, face your fear in that space, and feel the difference during the workshop, and as emotional integration occurs over the following days - and months.
Kia ora koutou.
Karen Sole
Karen Sole is a member of the Internatonal Institute for Complementary Therapists, and of the International Systemic Constellations Association (isca-network.org). She took her first training from Yildiz Sethi yildizsethi.com of familyconstellations.com.au . Karen's profile can be found on all three organisational sites.
References + Notes
Dr Gabor Mate www.drgabormate.com
Lerner, Harriet Author of The Dance of Intimacy, quoted above, and The Dance of Anger: A Woman's guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships; The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Shame and Fear To Be Your Best and Bravest Self, and many others. I see a newer title - Why won't you apologise? Wow. Endorsed by Esther Perel www.estherperel.com www.harrietlerner.com
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